Diary of a Mommy-Artist-Gamer

Diary of a Fat Chick

2012-01-15T14:03:00.000-08:00

Yes, this post is exactly what you think it is. This is me bellyaching about weight! And believe me, after the last decade I've got quite the belly going! :D

As of this exact moment in time I am 225 pounds, which is 10 pounds off from my heaviest (235).

And I just can't do it anymore.

Freshman Year -------- Junior Year

Once upon a time I was in high school. And while I don't ever think I will be as small as I was back then, I hope that with enough diet and exercise I can get close. Until the middle of my junior year I only weighed 110 pounds. And then for my senior year I packed on a few. I think by time college rolled around I was about 130, which is perfect for my height (and is my "healthy weight" according to BMI). In the 3 years that followed I gained about 30 pounds. When I got married in 2004 I was sitting at about 160-170. And then.... the 3 years of my marriage happened. This is not the post to belly ache about what happened there and how not right for each other we were and we were just trying to make it work... but yeah. I gained about to where I am now in that time. Like.... 50 pounds in those 3 years.

Christmas 2011 ----------- Easter 2011

In the meantime my weight has fluctuated greatly. In late 2007/early 2008 when I moved back in with my parents I got back down to 190 (mostly because I was so depressed I was starving myself and eating like... popcorn and string cheese). And then I moved to Pierre, and then I had a baby. And now I'm at where I'm at.

And I need to do this for me, internets. I need to do it for my family. Skinny Jenny is in there somewhere and I just have to find her!

This is the first post of what I am sure will be many through this year chronicling my weight loss and my journey to be a better me.

It will start with me going to the YMCA on my breaks from work (where I am the assistant director of a daycare) and working out. That will start in February and I will report in in the middle and end of the month so we can see how that is going.

Stand with me, friends and random people reading my blog! Cause it's about to get real all up in here!

Goodbye 2011

2011-12-31T18:17:00.000-08:00

A lot of people are blogging their resolutions for this year and I figured that I if I actually wrote them for the whole world to see that I might actually stick to them this year.

This year has been pretty insane for me. There was the flood in the summer that basically ruined our lives for a few months and then towards the later part of the year there was an incident that really made me re-evaluate what I want in life and who I want to be in it with me. Let's just say this year was a year of choices for me. And I believe I am on the right path having made the choices that I did this year.

But without further ado...

1) I am going to be serious about losing weight this year. --- Diet, exercise, pills, supplements, whatever it takes. I need to get to a healthier weight for mostly myself, but also my family. Diabetes likes to creep up on people on Mom's side of the family and after having gestational diabetes with Darion I can say that is one thing that I would really like to avoid. The membership to the Y will be my first step.

2) I am going to get out more. --- I'm usually a shut in cause of both the child and my gaming. This year I want to get out more and do more. South Dakota doesn't have loads of things to offer... but it does have nature. It has scenery and gorgeous landscapes. I need to get out more and see the beauty around me.

3) Build a stronger bond with my family. --- This goes for both my immediate family (Darion and Jake) to my family everywhere else. I don't talk to my sister, Mom, and Dad as much as I should (about once a week?). We got the iPads for Facetime and I need to use them more. This also means Facetiming my kinda mother-in-law Renee too. :)

4) Make my relationship with Jake the best it can be. --- I'm not the perfect girlfriend. In fact sometimes when I have self pity parties I'm pretty sure I suck. A lot. A lot of this has to do with #1 and the fact that he wants me to be around for a while... so I need to take care of myself. But we need to take care of our relationship too. I vow to go out on more dates and have more one on one time with my man.

5) Get back in touch with my creative side. --- It's been about 2 years since I've really sat down and dedicated any time to my art. I made my cute little card hangers for Christmas and I do projects with my kids at work, but I really don't spend as much time as I'd like to working on MY art. A tablet will fix this... MAYBE SOMEONE WILL GET IT FOR ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR?! *hinthintJake*

6) Be a better friend. --- Sometimes I feel like I am not really there for my friends. Like... I care, and I love them. but sometimes I feel like I'm a superficial friend cause I'm not *there* with them when they are doing things or going through something. I also need to keep commitments to going out better.

7) Spend more time teaching my son. --- I spend a lot of time playing with Darion but he's 2 now... now is the time I really need to start spending the time helping him *learn* things. He can count to 3, he likes to (try to) sing the ABCs, can tell you he's 2, loves telling you where things are, and has started talking in full sentences more frequently.

8) Cut back on the Diet Coke. --- Anyone who *really* knows me is thinking "WTF?!" Yes, internets... I need to cut back on my addiction. I think it will help with #1 and it will be good to not be spending that much money on it either.

9) Housework.--- I don't even think I need to get into a whole explanation on this one... I just need to be better.

10) Change our living arrangements. --- We are currently in the process of getting a loan. We are planning on buying a friend's trailer (it's nice, not trailer trashy) and then moving there. Paying $600 for rent every month when we are going paycheck to paycheck basically makes no sense to my brain. We are paying into something that we don't really get too much back on. It'll never be ours. And we're barely keeping our heads above debt as it is. But... it's been what we've had to do. It was a starter thing for Jake and I. But we're going to do better now.

I'm sure there's a million and 1 things that I could think of to write but I am going to stick to those 10, 1 being the major one.

Happy New Year everyone! Happy 2012!!

2011-11-20T08:12:00.001-08:00

It's hard to believe it's already been 2 years...

Darion's Story

Rock on, little man! Mommy loves every day she has with you (even thought it may not feel like it sometimes as I am constantly telling you "NO!")

The Flood

2011-09-24T09:15:00.000-07:00

So I promised to chronicle the events of this summer and because Fall is upon us I decided now would just be the best time to sit down and do it. That, and Darion just went down for a nap.

At the end of May you will recall a post I made about the fear of having to move out of our house because of the mismanagement of the Missouri River by the Army Corps of Engineers in Omaha. That fear became a reality as we were scrambling to pack everything we owned in 3 days to move it all out.

Now, I am not the best housekeeper, I can be honest about that. But a completely unexpected move?! Urgh, it was chaos. Everyone was freaking out about how fast the river was coming up. Ft Pierre was a complete mess to try and get through. People were hauling sandbags everywhere. The whole neighborhood was loading up their belongings. Sump pumps started going in basements. It's not like you think there's going to be a flash flood and the water is just going to jump the banks and slam into your house or anything, but it was scary seeing the water slowly start to creep up the street towards the house.

So we got everything moved out. Most of our furniture went to the garage of one of my daycare families (they all spoil me). Some went to a co-workers house. And some still went to Jake's parents house. Wemoved into Jake's work (Comfort Inn) and let me tell you... I lived there for a month when I first moved here. And it was for sure worse this time around with a baby. He could see us so he didn't want to sleep. He heard every move we made and wanted to get up and play when it was time for him to nap. I would go into the bathroom and play Glee on my iPad on Netflix just so he couldn't see or hear me. We also had the cat and the dog. Luckily there was an animal shelter opening by the airport, so we took Mochi (the dog) there cause it wasn't fair to her to be all locked up in that little hotel room.

Weeks rolled by and we had to change rooms once cause there was an unfinished room that they said we could stay in for free cause they couldn't rent it out anyways. So there we were for a while but we knew we couldn't be there the whole time. Jake's grandparents agreed to take us in and so we moved down into their basement. Jake and I slept on 2 separate twin beds and Darion slept in the other room in his crib. It was cramped, but it was semi-private and we got all kinds of good food there. Plus I picked up some cooking tips! The only part that really sucked was no internet there.

We managed though.

And while I'm not going to go into insane detail with everything (cause you don't even want to know all the things we fought about during this time) it was probably hands down the most stressful 3 months of my life.

In September we moved back into the house we were renting before. And we've been back here almost a month now. It feels good and we got rid of a lot of junk. We still have MANY totes to go through though. But at least we have the time to do it and our own space as well. Luckily our house wasn't affected much besides the water heater dying and the water in the crawlspace.

The ONLY good that came out of this is a family that we know (from daycare!) bought a trailer house because they have to completely move their house away from the river because of the water damage their basement and foundation took. They offered to sell it to us when their house is done and ready to be moved back in to. Jake and I talked about it, looked at the place and are in love with it. We're really hoping that we can get the loan so that we can buy the place from them to finally have OUR place. That just sounds nice and paying rent really doesn't make sense in my head at all. Kind of like leasing a car... it just doesn't compute.

But in a very vague nutshell that is my summer and I am now a moving champ!

My "real"

2011-09-20T12:21:00.000-07:00

One of the funniest gals that I know, Brandi, was talking about "being real" on her blog. And that is something that really hit me deeply. There are many people that I know in real life and over the web that do not really know the "real" me. There are very very very few who really truly do.

This was the hardest post that I've ever had to write, but I think that it is also the most therapeutic thing that I have done for myself in a long time.

My real...

I thought I fell in love at age 14 and stayed with that guy for the next 9 years because I was convinced that he was "The One". I completely messed up my relationship with my parents and with my friends and other family for years because I wanted to be with him. We eloped when I was 20 and got sealed in the temple 2 years later. People at church knew he was kind of odd, but what they didn't know was that at home he was constantly trying to find ways to kill himself. He lit himself on fire, he tried to induce hypothermia. When he finally got help he tried to OD on his pills while drinking bleach. I was getting horribly depressed but tried to hide it because we had a happy eternal marriage, right?

In 2007 I had been married for 3 years and gained about 50 lbs. I was a wreck though I tried to hide it for a long time. I spent a lot of time on the computer at home trying to find something that made me happy. I blew off a lot of friends, or potential ones that I could have made, because I was afraid of what they would think of me and my problems. During the course of my marriage I was extremely emotionally and verbally abused. It reached a point that there was even some spousal rape involved.

I was too ashamed to tell anyone until 2 years later.

I felt completely unwanted by my husband who would have been content to come home, go on the computer for 5 hours, and then go to bed. The only time he ever acknowledged me was when he wanted sex, food, or the rare occasion that we were out in public.

In the middle of 2007 I fell in love with my best friend.

He was not my husband.

I told my husband that I wanted a divorce and he refused. We went to couple's counseling because there was obviously something wrong with me and it needed fixing. After only a dozen sessions with no effort on his end the counselor told me that the next time he told me to leave (To go see my best friend) that I should. And I did. And things got physical between us. My husband and I split in November 2007 and I spent the next almost 3 years with divorce proceedings. We didn't even want anything from each other at that point, but it was still hard for me.

He later told me that he never believed in the LDS church and he did it all for me and it was all a lie. I felt like the last 10 years of my life were wasted and useless. I felt like an idiot and I hated myself more than I ever had in my life. I'd lie if I'd said that I never thought about ending it. It started in the name of love and ended with me feeling unwanted and rejected.

I moved back home with my parents. They couldn't understand why I did not want to go to church anymore.

I nearly staved myself after I moved back home. There would be days all I ate was one single packet of string cheese. I hated that I let myself get so fat and while there was a guy that now wanted me, I still felt completely disgusting.

I hated that I wasn't pretty like all the other LDS girls I'd grown up with.

I hate that I can justify to myself cheating on my husband. Things like, "It was already over, you told him you wanted out, it was only a piece of paper at that point, there was no love or commitment on his end (long story)" But I was even more afraid that people would hate me if they found out why I left. Why we were getting divorced.

I'm still not out of the woods with my self loathing. Even over leaving my ex; even though I now realize that he was never going to love me back the way I loved him. I just hate myself for feeling like I failed in a marriage that was doomed from the start. I was, and am, scared that I would lose the friendships (however casual they may be) because of how they saw me in those 3 years, versus what was actually happening.

Darion and the joys of flying

2011-07-10T20:58:00.000-07:00

My extremely pregnant little sister, her hubby, and both of our kids are all in bed so I figured this would be an awesome time to hijack their computer!

Sadly as I feared, the airplane and Darion do not mix at all. The first flight actually went really well. He just laid on me the whole time and was pretty content. Even if that flight left almost 2 hours later than it was supposed to...

So we land in Denver, which was supposed to be where I was going to meet up with two friends from Everquest 2. They just happened to be at the airport at the same day and time that we were. Now, I've never seen them before in person so I was super excited about meeting some of my favorite people from the internets. But as luck would have it right about the time we touched down and deboarded the plane was the time that they were boarding their plane to Minnesota. Sadface. So that on top of all the loveliness that had already happened (fog the day I was SUPPOSED to go on the 7th and then on the 8th the plane being broken in the morning and then the 2 hour delay on the flight that I was then rescheduled for).

Now on to the second flight which was Denver, CO to Salt Lake City, UT.

I wish, I really do wish, I had read some friend's comments on Facebook before I embarked on that flight. Baby Benadryl to make him sleepy really doesn't look too bad in the face of what had happened on that flight. It was suppose to leave at about 7:15 and be about an hour and a half flight. Well, right as we were about to try to take off the thunderstorms started again and so we were in the plane, on the tarmac waiting in a plane line to see who was going to take off next after the storm was starting to lighten. We were there on the plane for about an hour before we finally took off.

But not only was that fun, internets... there was also the fun of an uncontrollable Darion fit happening at the same time. He was kicking, and screaming, and hitting me. I had a teenager sitting next to me, so of course he had no patience for this kind of thing. I was sooooo embarassed and so worried that I was never going to get him calmed down. He was so tired after that really long day. After about 20 minutes of screaming he calmed down enough to take his binky and lay his head down. Almost immediately afterwards was when we took off. I don't know if they were waiting to see if he was going to stop or not... but it was just... so bad. I was in tears multiple times.

The flight got into Salt Lake at about 11:30pm.

Lesson learned.

We are NEVER flying without Daddy again.

Well.... It could be worse?

2011-07-08T12:02:00.000-07:00

I now officially hate airports more than I already did. And that was already a lot.

I will fill you all in on the flood info once I m in Provo, UT and with my sister and her family. And on a computer and not an iPad where I can rant more effectively.

On to airports.

I am currently sitting in the Pierre Regional Airport in Pierre, SD (where I have lived for the last 3 years, the city, not the airport).

I was supposed to be on a flight bound for Salt Lake City, UT yesterday morning. Well, yesterday morning there was fog and they couldn't land a plane. Now.... This wasn't like Manteca, CA fog, friends from home... So I was sure it was no big deal. I was wrong. Grrrrr. So instead of taking a later flight I opted to stay and let other people go on to Denver an go this morning.

Yeah right.

This morning our plane was broken. Nope, not engine trouble or anything, just plain out broken. So this is 2 days I was now out of my 6 day trip to see my family and my sister and HOPEFULLY my niece Rebecca will come out to play while I am there.

So I call United and they give me the later flight today, which the attendants at the desk here said was full, along with all the flights tomorrow too. So here I sit, waiting to see if the airport Gods will finally allow me to see my family.

Oh, and I'm taking this trip alone with the toddler son. Yes, I do consider myself brave.

Awesome....

2011-05-25T18:38:00.000-07:00

So remember when I was complaining about the snow this winter? Yeah... it just got worse.

Thanks to the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers not steadily releasing water like they normally do into the Oahe Dam (and then beyond) I will more than likely have to be evacuating my house soon.

See Jake and I, being the awesome responsible parents we were, decided when I was pregnant that we wanted another house to raise our baby in since we didn't really like the duplex that we were living in. Hindsight kicks you right in the ass. We're in a small 2 bedroom house in Fort Pierre. A couple of blocks from the Missouri River. Last summer I thought the mosquitoes were bad.

Nope, this is worse. Much worse.

Flooding.

Awesome.

Not too long ago the police were at our door letting us know that we're in a "risk for flooding" area. Taking a look at every news outlet map I can for the potential flooding... yeah, we're in it. AUUURGH. Now I have to make sure everything is up off the floor and everything we want to keep dry is in rubbermaid bins. *JUST INCASE*.

And now I am freaking out. I'm really a chill person, until natural disasters come into play. Don't mess with nature... you never know what will happen.

I hate hate hate HATE not being prepared for things like this. I never even thought of it as a possibility really. Now we're trying to decide if we're going to stay at Jake's work (Comfort Inn) or stay here for the night.

I'll take earthquakes and a broken economy over snow and flooding any day of the week.... *sigh*

So here we are...

2011-05-22T12:31:00.000-07:00

I now am the proud owner of a new iPad. I was lucky enough to have a great aunt that gave Dad some money, and he in turn wanted to spend it on making sure that the family kept in better contact with each other. So while this is mostly for facetime and family stuff I will be using the iPad to probably blog as well. I'll finally have my own little space to get out how I feel about thing sometimes. It's nice to know that you have an outlet if you need one. Yu all might be getting a lot more stories about daycare. And believe me, I have MANY.

The word "no" is banned

2011-05-18T19:00:00.000-07:00

Uuuuurgh. So, for any of the rest of you with children you know that the word "no" might as well be a 4 letter word. So, while the quest for saying "please" is coming along nicely the almost 18month old has now learned that screaming the word "no" when he is throwing a fit is his way of expressing that he doesn't want something.

He's also going to quickly learn that that way of expressing it will also earn him a quick swat on the butt.

Some days... urgh. Some days I wonder if I should get the dog kennel out of the backyard and just let him play in there for a little bit while I gather what sanity I have left.

Seriously, Mother Nature?

2011-05-02T06:07:00.000-07:00

Well, after my last post all the way back in February I can safely now say that I not only hate winter, I loathe it. It is now May and on the 1st there was snow still falling from http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifthe sky. This better be the mildest summer ever. Cause if it's another extreme I might just have to take up some kind of dark craft so I can summon and kill an Old God. Uuuuuuurgh.

Other than that, life is pretty good. I have a membership at the local YMCA and have been going every chance I get. I am really trying to be determined to lose some weight this time! It's been a very steep and long uphill battle for this one. But that's another rant, another post. And believe me, I have PLENTY of input on that one.

Outside Daycare April 15th 2011
:(

I am so friggin' sick of...

2011-02-19T19:14:00.000-08:00

SNOW.

WHY?! Why did the guy I had to fall in love with have to live not only in the middle of nowhere, but somewhere where it snows! Snow is another four letter word in my dictionary.

1-3in here tonight and then tomorrow the forecast is for 6-10in. Oh frozen tundra in the middle of the country... your summer mosquitoes eating me weren't enough?! Not you have to freeze me to death too? I can even safely say that I miss Fort Meade weather compared to this.

Not ONLY does it snow the way it does here... but they never close anything when it happens. It's South Dakota, they know it's going to be this bad. They figure everyone's been through it before, it's no big deal.

What about the poor Californian slowly learning to drive on the snow/ice every winter?!

WHY!?

And then I hear about people having schools and such closed because either it looks like it's going to snow or like... a dusting covered the ground.

Not cool, South Dakota. Not cool.

I wish...

2010-10-08T19:35:00.000-07:00

... I had time to write.

For those that don't know back in my roleplaying days on Everquest (1 and 2) I was quite the little writer. Sure, maybe some of the stories were lame and completely random. Sure my character pretty much hung on every little thing my ex's character did for a loooooong time. But you know what, I had fun. And over the course of 8 years I created a character and lived through her eyes for countless numbers of hours. Days, Weeks, for sure Months even.

I started a new character back in 2007 and it was kind of RP'd out although by then I was leveling her to raid and really didn't RP much outside of stuff with the now boyfriend. But that first character... suddenly I just want to give her life again.

If you know me and have for a while I'm talking about my character Kailena (Kaitou, Shinai, Kihaku).

I think I want to start writing again. I think I want to start from her beginning to her "end". And I think I would have the time of my life doing it. A project that I could actually finish. And one I think I would have immense fun creating and even reliving again. :)

Doll made by me! :) Base by: http://www.oopsiarted.com/

At peace with life

2010-10-05T19:46:00.000-07:00

Luckily I have been finding more and more free time in my life. Working a 40 hour a week job and being a Mom has me busy a lot but I am finding I have time to settle down at night finally. And thus will be the end result!

I am not a true at heart single Mom. On the contrary I have a loving (yet... special) boyfriend. I work at my job from 9:30am-5:30pm at a daycare where my son attends. I am blessed to be able to be with my son all day. Sometimes Daddy wakes up for breakfast with us, sometimes he doesn't. But when I get home from work my day really takes it's toll. The boyfriend works from 3pm-11pm so from when we get home until it's time for the baby to sleep I am a single mom. 5 days a week. Recently Jake has has weekends off. It's nice since we finally get to spend some family time together. I'm not going to lie... it can be a strain and it is very hard on me to have to spend so much time away from him. We're hoping and praying for another job to open up for him. For a career and not just a job. These are the things in life that worry me. But right now I have my boys and we're a happy family, so at least for now I can be content.

I used to be a hardcore gamer. I used to play console games almost nightly. I used to be able to tell you the whole lore of whatever MMO I was playing. (Mostly Everquest/EQ2 and Norrath related for those of you that knew me playing those games for so many years) I used to feel accomplishment when I got something really big done. I was in a raiding guild for a few years. We played at that content for over 20 hours a week. At the time I had a job that I was getting at least 32 hours at a week. Then there was always trying to get all the gear after an expansion, leveling other characters to help out the raid force, trying to keep up with my boyfriend with anything he was doing. It was a lot of time.

There are some times that I do miss it.

Now I raid for 6 hours a week when I can. And even that is giving a lot of my time. I play on Fizzcrank realm of the World of Warcraft. I play with my boyfriend and most of the guild is our IRL friends. We have fun and try to keep it light. This last weekend we killed Arthas the Lich King. For those of you that play the game know that this is end-ish raid stuff. In our 10 man group this was our second real crack at trying him. There was accomplishment there. But why wasn't it the same? For some reason it just didn't feel the same as when I we killed that first avatar in EQ2.

That night I was more worried about my little boy who was starting to get a cough. It's crazy how much your life can change. And every day I notice things that have changed about me but don't necessarily make me a different person.

I love being a mother.

I love having my boyfriend in my life and he is a wonderful Father.

But most of all; after many years of struggling with who I am...

I love myself.

My contribution to the web!

2010-06-09T18:45:00.000-07:00

So I was trying to think of some things that I could talk about that might actually be interesting to people. I could probably write whole novels on being your own person, not letting someone be emotionally manipulative with you, about what you need to look for in yourself and in a mate to be happy, and how to spot when a loved one is suicidal. But putting aside all those depressing subjects I figured that the least I could do is give my 2 cents every so often on movies or TV shows that I've seen. :)

After getting Netflix a few months ago and catching up on the last 20+ years of classic theater I have been able to see awesome things and awful things. I'm having a blast with streaming things over my XBox360. The only downside being that you can't have subtitles 'on' in those like you can DVDs. It helps when you have a fussing baby to just be able to read the subtitles. Maybe I'm just used to it after so many years of anime too! Haha.

The first "movie" that I've chosen to give my 2cents on is a PBS mini-series from 2007 called "The War". It was a very interesting watch despite it's extreme length. It is a 7-part documentary about World War II. Each part is about 2 hours long. I would watch a little part here or there when I would be feeding Darion or just to relax after I had gotten him to sleep.

Now, for those of you that do not know I am a freak and I love watching things about WWII. Which I suppose means that if I could I would mostly just watch the History Channel all the time. Haha. Basically this documentary follows the towns of; Sacramento, CA; Mobile, AL; Luverne, MN; and Waterbury, CT. It shows survivors of the war and interviews them. It more or less paints a picture of how this war affected the lives of those in the communities of these cities and their boys that were sent either over to the Pacific or Europe. It pretty much goes through from the very beginning of the war battle by battle on what went on on both fronts.

It's almost been 70 years since this war but you could see the pain in the people's faces and in their voices as they recounted what happened to them and their families. There were several times that I was moved to tears by the stories of these brave men (and women!) that had to go through and give up so much. Many of the interviewees were soldiers and to me... I don't know that just hits home more when you know that they were actually -there-. I have a good friend who was in Baghdad when it was first taken over by American troops and he's told me, only very briefly, about how that was. No news report or blog can ever tell the story of how a battle really is like a soldier can. I really felt for these old men. To see how much that many of the battles and memories still bothered them, but to also see how proud they were to serve their country.

I think the part in the series that really got to me was about all the Japanese in the internment camps here in America. In my speech class in college I was able to do a speech about this subject. What they had to go through and what they have to give up simply because of their ancestry. Being white I can't even start to imagine what that is really like. Sure, I was married to a Black man and being around all his family was sometimes awkward, but that is nothing compared to what these poor people had to endure. I was deeply moved by the stories of the 442nd Regimental Combat Team. This group of men was comprised of mostly Japanese or Asian Americans. They fought so hard just to PROVE how much they loved their country. To me, that is real patriotism. Daniel K. Inouye was among them and was one of the interviewees. He is now serving as a state senator from Hawaii.

While I could go into details with facts and dates I really think that instead I'll just give tidbits that were important to me. After all, it's history and it's all said and done. The dates are set in stone and the battles are all chronicled. I simply thought that this specific tribute merited a small nod from me cause I found it both interesting and informative.

Behold Blogger, I have returned!

2010-06-07T19:22:00.000-07:00

Well, needless to say that it's been a very long time since I've been able to have the time to sit down and write an actual blog post. At first today I was really thinking about... now what could I talk about, I mean really? There's not too much going on in my life aside from the baby and gaming. But oh wait... that was the title of my blog, right?

So, Mr Darion is doing very well. He is 6 months old now and is getting bigger and cuter every day. He can sit up on his own now, can push most of his tummy off the ground, and is getting this first tooth! There is no joy to describe how being a mother feels like. Everyday that he achieves something there is just this swell of pride that can't ever be diminished by anyone else. He is my little man and I love him.

My big man is doing well as well. Next month it will have been 2 years since I moved here to South Dakota. And while I'm still not all that thrilled with being here I do love our little family. There are times when I wonder what like would have been like had I not moved here, but those thoughts are quickly tossed aside at the thought of my little guy. Everything has been so worth it. We're currently running a Dungeons and Dragons type campaign with a Pathfinder setting. So far it's been fun and perhaps I'll get a chance to blog more about that later. We're also playing Final Fantasy 13. I say "we" because he plays and I watch. I'd love to play but most the time I am with Darion taking care of him or something. So I just watch cause mostly I just love games' storylines.

Work has been excellent and I recently got a promotion to the assistant director of the daycare. I also am driving all of the children that are 5 and older to all their summer recreation activities. So it should prove to be a VERY busy summer. I love my job and all of the kids so it's really the perfect place for me. I do however, plan on going to school to finish my degree so that I can be a teacher. What can I say? I just love kids!

Not too much else to write though, so just a quite update on my life and now I still TRY so hard to actually update this with relevant thoughts and opinions on things now that I am in the mood (and have the time) to start posting again! :D

Darion John Schweigert

2009-12-02T19:05:00.000-08:00

Well needless to say there should have been much more updating going on here. However with moving in to a new place and being extremely pregnant it was hard to find time to do anything in the past month or two it seems like.

Jake and I successfully moved into a nice little 2 bedroom house that we are renting. We have our room and then the baby's room. It's nice cause we can keep all his stuff in there(and believe me there is A LOT of stuff). We are also using his closets for storage space. Haha. Poor little guy. Which brings me to the story of a lifetime for me!

On November 20th at 4:39pm CST Darion John Schweigert was born via C-section at St Mary's Healthcare center in Pierre, SD. Our wonderful unplanned little bundle of joy finally decided to show himself after hours of induced labor. After I did not progress past 3cm dialation and after being on pitocin for nearly a whole day (21 hours) they finally decided to get him out of there.

We went in on November 14th because of bad back pain. I was afraid I was in labor since I'd heard so much about bad back pain with the first child. The pain was in short stabs and so I was sure that I was having bad contractions. This of course started when we were 3/4ths of the way through the movie 2012 in theaters. We finished the movie and then went home where I was in pain for another 2 hours. We then decided to call into the hospital and go in. It turns out it wasn't labor or even really contractions. My kidneys were very upset with something that I ate. We assume it was the greasy popcorn and Diet Coke. So I vowed not to have any more until this kiddo was out of me.

November 17th was my last prenatal appointment. I was still 1-2cm dilated and so my doctor told me that she'd like to induce labor since they were afraid that he was getting too big because of my gestational diabetes. We agreed that that would be fine and so we made an appointment for the next morning to be in the hospital by 5am to start on the drugs and everything that hopefully would have brought my child into the world. We were up early and ready to go on the 18th getting to the hospital on time, finishing all the pesky paperwork, and getting me all hooked up to the machines that they needed me on. They started the Pitocin at about 10am. For those that do not know Pitocin is something that the body produces naturally but the artificial stuff they pump into you more or less just helps your labor along and gives the body signals it's time to get the baby out. Or... it's supposed to anyways. So after 14 hours there and not much to show in the way of dilation they sent me home. Not going to lie... I was really bummed out. I thought I was finally going to be able to hold my little guy that night. They set me up so that I could come in to do this all again the next day (Nov 19th). This time though they were going to start me on low doses of something that was going to get my cervix more effaced at about 8pm and then on the 20th we were going to see how I was doing. Poor Jake was with me through the whole 14 hours. He slept a lot on the lame "couch" that was in my room and we watched A LOT of Family Guy. Haha.

I stayed the night there alone after they had given me an Ambien to help me sleep. Jake went home to get a good night's rest to be ready for the next day. At about 4am on November 20th they started my Pitocin again in my IV. At 7am my doctor broke my water hoping that it would help along labor if it was broken and my body would kick start itself past 3cm. After after 10 hours of laboring after my water was broke (probably like... 5 of them being the WORST pain I have EVER felt in my life) they decided to go ahead and do a c-section to get him out of there. They gave me a Demerol shot and from there things are a little fuzzy for me since pain meds make me completely drunk-like. I do remember things, but I had absolutely no concept of time at all while that drug was in my system. It was about an hour or two before they got me down to surgery. To me it felt like minutes. Jake said that I was slurring my words a lot and that I was just generally out of it. Haha.

I remember them shooting the intrathecal into my spine. I remember laying down on the table and Jake being there. We got some pics of this and I don't remember him holding my hand through the whole surgery but apparently he did. He was a very good sport and took a lot of pics for me. And finally I remember my baby crying for the first time. I remember Jake smiling at me and giving me a kiss. We were parents and while it was scary there was a love and a happiness there that can't even be measured to anything that I've ever felt before. We had our little boy. I was so scared that I was going to drop him when they laid him on my chest because my arms were slightly numb and tingly (I really couldn't feel ANYTHING from like my chest down). Jake later described to me how it looked while they were pulling him out and stuff like that but I'm not going to gross anyone out with that. I also have pics of that. :p

I gave him his first Mommy's kiss and then Jake followed as they took Darion out of the room. They sewed me back up and had me head out to recovery. They wheeled me out and I got to go past him in the nursery and I held my hand up to the glass where he had his hand out as well. To me it seemed like minutes but again it was a few hours. They loaded me into my bed in my room and I had all of Jake's family there with me (Mom, Dad, Stepmom, Grandma, and Grandpa), which was nice. It took a while before they brought him into the room to be with me but I have never been so in love with anything in my entire life. I loved just holding him and just hugging him and Jake close to me. I love my Schweigert men. I love my little family. And of course. I cried.

Seeing as this post is monstrous enough as it is I can chronicle the rest of the hospital visit later. I just figured that since most of the details were all fresh in my mind that I needed to get them out there!

California Trip

2009-09-20T15:45:00.001-07:00

So now that I got a rather long and serious blog post out of the way I thought I'd follow it up with a nice fun and (hopefully) shortish post!

On September 5th 2009 Jake, the baby (of course!), and I went out on a trip to my hometown of Manteca, CA. This was a needed trip for many reasons. Mostly because I wanted to see my folks again. Once or twice a year simply isn't enough but sadly will probably have to suffice while I am still living in the middle of nowhere. Secondly, we handed my puppy (re:6 year old 70lb Samoyed) Mochi, to my parents for a few months. She loooooves people and we're pretty sure she could lick the baby to death on a whim. Having her around also is somewhat of a hassle so it's VERY nice that they offered to take her for a little bit while we adjust to being parents. And lastly, Jake had to get the best friends' stamp of approval.

But the best part?

OMG SUSHI.

Well... not really. All I had was California Rolls cause that's about all I CAN have right now but it was still beyond delicious to taste them again. I will never take them for granted again if I live somewhere where I can get to them with relative ease.

We had a baby shower for little Schweigert baby while we were there. And by shower I mean like 15 of us went to a sushi bar, I got present stuff, and then we went back to Jess and Dev's and watched Big Bang Theory. All and all it was really wonderful. Aside from Fanime it was one of the only times that I've really seen everyone get together like that. We need to do it more often and always when I get back into town. :p Everyone really seemed to like Jake and they were actually brutally honest about how much they liked him. After the Mike fiasco I made them all swear that they HAD to tell me if something didn't feel right about all future boys. They kept their reservations about the first boything I had and I think they are more overprotective now. And even with that Jake still passed the test!

It was also nice just taking a break from everything. My work (daycare) is pretty much having me up and moving around all the time. I get tired really easily nowdays and I found, especially after I got back, that it takes a lot out of me. It was nice to sit back and relax and watch a bunch of movies, or go to the movies, even... shopping. And I HATE shopping. But I guess when Dad and Jake talked they pretty much hit the nail on the head. I hate shopping for myself, but when it's for other people, the baby in this case, I go nuts with it. I love giving things to people so that I can see the happiness on their face and know that they will think of me a little bit every time they use what I gave them.

Now that we are back home though Jake and I are on the home stretch to this baby getting here. At the moment we are looking for a new place, looking for a "new" used car :p, and just trying to both mentally and emotionally preparing ourselves for the baby. Our first prenatal class was on Thursday and we have those every week now. It should be nice and informative and the teacher is a chiropractor which is nice cause I really have been having bad back problems. We were oddly enough the youngest in the class at 25. This showed when they passed around the diagram of how dilated I will be when I need to start pushing (10cm incase no one knows) and we had to try SO HARD not to giggle. We're so mature. Hahaha.

Over all, just loving life. I've been doing a lot more art lately and I'm really excited for our new addition to be here. Not only cause am I going to love it to death but I am also really excited about getting back into shape and getting a gym membership after the bebe. I want to get back down to like 150-160ish cause I look SUPER HOT in that weight range.

Mostly though I just want to have this baby in my arms! I want to know if it's a boy or a girl!! ><

Self examination: Relationships

2009-09-19T10:23:00.000-07:00

I am 9 weeks away from giving birth to my first child. And with all this 'newness' coming into my life so soon it has made me think about and reflect about my past. I have to say that one of the things that came up in my mind the most was 'relationships'. Or in my case, my lack thereof.

A very brief backstory... I was 13 (2 months off from 14) when I met my ex husband online in a chat room. So at age 14 I was very very certain of myself that I had found my "soulmate". I would have said or done anything (and sometimes did) to keep us together. This is more or less a warning I guess you could say to those teenagers out there in the world. Please. Date.

My first "boyfriend" was my now friend Ben. We had very little in common except for the fact that for some reason I just started crushing on him really hard. This was waaaay back in the days of 7th and 8th grade. We "dated" which meant holding hands, basically. At the time I was still 110% LDS and I actually broke up with him because of religious differences. I didn't see us going anywhere in my immediate Mormon future. Ben himself wasn't so much of a Catholic but his mother was and I saw it leading to bad places in the future. Now I look back and I think about how stupid that was. Ben was, and is, a very decent guy. He was sweet, attentive, and we liked to hang out. He actually took me to my Senior Prom (he's a year younger) and I think we had a lot of fun. When I moved back home in late 2007/early 2008 for 7 months we also had another chance to hang out. He really is a sweetie and I'm glad to have shared part of my life with him even if it did end cause I was retarded.

Not too many months after Ben and I broke up was when I met "Halo" in 1998. I was new to the internet and AOL chatrooms. At the time I was also insanely devoted to my new Favorite show: Sailor Moon. I would frequent the chat channels on AOL that had anything to do with Sailor Moon. This is how I first got into roleplaying. I played the role of the main character (Sailormoon, Usagi, Serena, Serenity ect.) in her Princess form. One day by chance I ran into another character named Halo who had a hodge podge character background from a couple of different animes. So we started chatting, our characters got romantically involved and soon I found myself logging in every day to talk to him. I looked forward to it, but at the same time I did not see how dangerous and harmful this was to my social skills, physical activity, and emotional state. I was a teenager, what did I care about those things?

Things progressed. Halo soon became Mike. And then Mike and Jen (the nickname he gave me) were soon "dating". He was 3 years older than me and lived in Philadelphia. We were in a whirlwind romance of love notes and RP drama. It wasn't but a couple months in before I started to notice a 3 month pattern of his on becoming depressed and spiraling downwards into a pit of self loathing. But we were teenagers. This was normal. We thrived off the drama of it all. At the time I also stupidly was trying to hide my "love affair" from my parents. Mormons aren't supposed to date until we're 16. And even then the church encourages the youth to date around and not get serious with anyone. Surely my parents wouldn't understand my being in love so early and how I'd found my soulmate, even if he was an Atheist. This dragged out for 1 1/2 years until my parents found out about him. That was pretty much a HUGE mess between us and I rebelled against them in any way I could when it came to Mike. I wasn't going to let them take him away from me. Even though by now Mike had e-"cheated" on me a few times now and I had found out about them I was willing to forgive him. If I didn't I would have lost him. I had invested so much already I wasn't about to let any of that go and I was more stubborn than I care to admit about everything having to do with Mike. His Dad and Stepmom (who pretty much raised him) were going through a divorce, he was depressed, he felt unloved. I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to fix him.

This is where I messed up. You can't fix anyone that doesn't want to be fixed themselves. You have to let people be who they are. If they don't WANT the help when they get it they aren't going to take it to heart.

In my sophomore year of high school my parents pretty much forbade me to talk to him. But I found ways to do it anyways. By now Mike was in college and into a new game called Everquest. He was not logging in often if at all on AOL or AIM and I was becoming concerned. I quickly used my babysitting money to buy the game so that I could play with him and so I could be available for him to talk to if he wanted to talk to me. It wasn't long before Mike's first year of college turned to ruin. He was logged into the game more than he was going to classes, he flunked out and went back home for the summer ready to kill himself over the things that he let his life get to. Not too long after his Father found out about all of this Mike was enlisted into the Army. He wrote me love letters from Basic Training and I mailed him back letters almost every other day. I also sent him a Book of Mormon in hopes that maybe with his free time he'd read it and find something inside of it that stirred something inside of him. When I got home from Girl's Camp that year I was surprised with a call from Mike. He'd been baptized into the church. I thought nothing in my life could be going better. I was getting everything I wanted and hoped for.

As life usually does... the happiness died out and faded some. I was soon into my Junior year of high school and still seeing this guy from across the country. All my peers were out and dating and I was spending all my time connected to a computer just for the chance to see Mike. My grades soon slipped and I was banned from Everquest and sometimes even the internet until I got them back up. It wasn't that I couldn't get the good grades... it was just that I did not try at all. I was obsessed. I had to have Mike. We had to be happy. I had to spend every waking moment that I could with him. I was so blinded by my undying love for Mike that I did not take the chance or opportunity to date other people even when we would sometimes "break up" or he "didn't want me anymore". Eventually things always went back to a normal state with us. I think mostly it was because we were comfortable with each other, it was what was normal for us. Not being together was just too scary. I can't speak for him, but looking back on how I acted and everything that I did for him this is the only conclusion that I can come up with. I may have done some extremely messed up things to him way later down the road but when it came to our earlier online time together I never remember doing anything to wrong him. I bent over backwards to make sure that he was happy about things. Even when it was forgiving him for cheating, saying awful things to me, or trying to help him through another suicide attempt.

And because this blog could be SO LONG if I keep going I'm just going to limit it to the end of high school for me. By Senior year Mike and I were still together. Talking regularly on the phone and online and sometimes sending letters to each other. We were back playing Everquest and our characters Shintou and Kailena were together and everything seemed to be going perfectly. I was staying at home for college but we were planning on being together. In December of 2001 my parents invited him to come with us to Florida for a family vacation. He accepted and I finally got to meet him. We were both pretty shy about it all but we secretly held hands and shared our first kiss together. I was convinced that he was the one for me and I was going to do anything I could to keep us as a couple. My plan WAS going to work and I was willing to put his happiness and approval before my own needs and wants.

Just because we are now no longer with each other I am not going to say that we were not happy. I was with him for almost 10 years. We had some wonderful times together. I will never forget how he proposed to me. How he loved me. How happy that he could make me feel sometimes. I shared moments and things with him that were all firsts and he will always have that place in my heart. No matter how much I might not like what comes out of his mouth now about me or the hurtful things that were done and said when things were falling apart it doesn't change the good times that we had together.

My whole point of this post was just to the youth (and maybe older people too?) out there.

Please... date.

Date around.

That doesn't mean you have to get sexually active with each and every person you date. I'm not promoting that (although I do have an opinion on that... just too long of another post to do. Haha). But find out via different people what you like and what you don't in people. That quality time you spend with your peers and maybe with that special other person will show you the attributes in someone that you will want to one day marry. When dating please remember to be mindful of your partners feelings but at the same time DO NOT do things just because it will make them happy. In the end dating is about finding out about yourself too. Do not loose yourself in another person. You should be finding things out about yourself and other people too. Find out what you like and what you could do without. This might mean breaking up with people, this might mean losing a friend, you never know what could happen when it comes to matters of the heart. But you're young, don't get your sights set too high on one person so fast. It could end badly.

Myself... Mike and I were not friends before we were in love. I think that that says volumes about what happened with us. Now, I am lucky enough to be in a relationship with my best friend, the Father of my child, and I hope that someday soonish I will also be able to add the word husband to that list. I no longer believe in soulmates, but I do believe in people who are so completely compatible that you can see being with them for a lifetime and beyond (or just until your dying breath, whatever your preference on the matter is!).

Never said I was good at this type of thing!

2009-08-23T07:36:00.000-07:00

So I NEVER said that I was good at this blogging thing. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've always sucked at keeping this kind of thing updated. Much has gone to the wayside, much like my poor poor Livejournal in days of old. :( But here I am trying to redeem myself and trying to cram as much baby stuff into this update as I can!!

First off since the last posting I have now turned 25 years old. Ooooh, scary I know. Jake came home from work that day with flowers, bath salts, and a little stuffed Mochi (Samoyed). And since it's been like YEARS (minus when Thrads sent me some) since I got flowers from a significant other it was like... wow. We then went to Cattleman's (a FABULOUS local steakhouse) and then to the movies to see The Proposal. Over all the best birthday I've had in years by far. And later I got a package from my parents with my new T-Mobile phone in it that I got as a present. They were switching over to T-Mobile from Spirit anyways... but my plan still had until the end of the year on it before I could switch. Instead they just got me a new phone on their new plan and Jake has my old number now so he'll have that incase of a baby emergency. At least until that plan ends in December and then they'll put him on our family plan. :D

But the baby stuff is even more fun!

So on June 29th we went in again, hoping to find out the gender of our little one. Needless to say this baby is probably going to be as much, if not more, stubborn than both Jake and I. Not a good attribute for a child this early! It decided it needed to get all curled up and not show us if it was a boy or a girl. My bladder was pretty full, but not as full as it could have been to try and get the baby all crammed into one spot. Haha. The doctor said she THOUGHT it was a boy but it would also not hold still enough to get a good finalized look at it's gender. So Baby Schweigert is still genderless. We're pretty convinced my amniotic fluid is made up entirely of caffeine and the sperm that made it was comprised of Red Bull. It moves around SO MUCH. It has also started to let me know when I'm doing something it doesn't agree with. More on that below.

But at least we finally picked out a theme for the baby room that is gender friendly! We decided on a Winnie the Pooh theme. Mostly cause all we have here is a Walmart and the theme of Pooh they have there is really cute. A light green and creme color'd theme. Baby has also finally decided to not only move (back in June) but it also is now in full kicking mode (late July/early August). It's favorite target is Mommy's bladder. Such a kind and loving child. However it is really really fun to be able to share these movements with Jake now. When I feel the little one starting to make a fuss inside I grab his hand and put it on my tummy. He's totally being a guy about it... but I can tell that he's excited every time he gets to feel the baby move. It's scary but we're taking it one day at a time and as we get closer to the due date it is a little more scary and real every day, but we also know in the end it's going to be so totally worth it.

On the gamer side of things...

We were playing WoW religiously and then Jake mostly got burned out on the leveling and the grinding (and my not catching up :p). So we decided to take a break and play Age of Conan for a while. It was a nice break, but now we're back on WoW again and I'm STILL trying to catch back up to him. One of these days I might be as into games as he is... but not anytime soon. Not with the bebe so close!

I think that's about it updating my life wise. I've finally got my art groove back and I have been posting new art up on my deviant art account. Also on that note I've started up Blessed again with the old Studio Eternity group. It's a nice fun thing for us all to do again together and I really hope we can get it back up off the ground. =D

Aw, dang.

2009-06-03T18:06:00.000-07:00

Well, we didn't get to see if it was a boy or girl yet. Mostly because we didn't do an ultrasound this time. :p But when the nurse was taking out the little machine to get the heartbeat she was stunned when she found the baby so quickly. She said it was probably sleeping this time and was why it didn't move around so much. The baby was wiggling like crazy when we went in for the first time. So, we're hoping that on June 29th baby will be sleeping again so that we can see if it's a he or a she!

In other news I have sadly moved on from Everquest2. For those of you that know me you know that the "evil game" (as my Mommy likes to call it) dominated a good chunk of my life over the last 5 years that it's been live. I've done everything from casual gaming, PvP, Raiding, and RPing. But it was finally time to move on. EQ2 is where Jake and I met and where we starting falling for each other. So in a way it was kind of sad to make that decision. But on the other hand we no longer have the stresses that come with being in a major raiding guild on our server and all the stress leadership entails. We have however, started playing WoW casually. It's a nice break and something new which is awesome. We've been playing on Fizzcrank and on Dark Iron (I think?) but mostly just playing around with casual shtuffs. If you're in WoW lemme know character names and servers, would be more than happy to play with some other people. :D

Seeing is believing

2009-05-31T08:55:00.000-07:00

I'm not gonna lie... all of this pregnancy stuff was extremely surreal to me until I saw that baby move for the first time on that ultrasound on May 18th, 2009. Until I got to hear it's little heartbeat and knew that I had created a life. Even though we weren't quite ready or even wanting to make this baby just yet I can't see living without it at this point either. I am completely and totally in love with a small mass of tissue and organs growing inside of me with it's tiny little soul. As I type out this blog I am 15 weeks pregnant. We get to see the little one again on Jake's birthday (June 2nd) and MIGHT be able to tell if it's a boy or a girl by then.

I have to say ever since I was little when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up it was a typical little kid response always followed by, "...but I want to be a Mommy most!". 2006 was a very hard time in my life when my ex husband and I were trying to conceive. Nothing we were doing was working. I finally started to talk to a friend of mine (who was also trying with her husband at the time) and she said that it sounded like I had what she had. She has PCOS (Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome). I have a lot of darker hair on my body, I have skin tags, I got overweight really fast and it was very hard to lose some if any of it, and I was always having really painful cramps randomly, not just during my period. So I went to my Gyno in 2007 about it but she said they couldn't start a test for it until we had been trying for a year. Anyone that knows me knows that 2007 is when my marriage unraveled itself (and not because we couldn't conceive). In May 2008 I had my gallbladder removed and while they were doing all the testing for that they said that they found a lot of liquid that wasn't supposed to be there in my ovaries. They said it was from cysts popping inside them and that I in fact did have PCOS. It was something that was devastating because like my friend I thought that I was going to have to wait until I was with someone that I wanted to be a parent with and that we would have to go through fertility treatments. And have my heart break a little more every month that we couldn't get pregnant.

Jake, bless his soul, was always joking about his 'super sperm'. But since I was on the pill (more to control the ovulation and cramp pains than actually preventing pregnancy) and I had my condition I just thought that such a thing really wasn't possible. I have never been so glad to have been so wrong. I thank God every day for my little miracle. And I've made a promise to myself and my unborn baby that I will love it no matter what it does. I will love this little baby and will give it everything that I can (within reason, haha) to make sure that it has a happy and comfortable life. While Jake isn't so poetic about what he wants for the baby I'm extremely happy to be with someone I really feel that I can trust with this little life. Someone that I love and that in turn loves me for the way that I am and loves this child already (maybe!) as much as I do. Going through this together is going to be one of the hardest but most rewarding things that we will ever do. And while we don't plan on having another one until after we're married and a little more prepared in life for more we're going to love this one to pieces in the meantime.

And honestly, I don't think life could get much better than this right now.

I want to be judged for just being myself

2009-05-16T09:21:00.000-07:00

So... I dunno how exactly I wanted to start this post but it's something that I think I just wanted/needed to get off my chest. Just really how I feel about something that I can't just scream at the top of my lungs about. And probably something I will only be posting here and on my livejournal.

For those of you that have known me either for a few years or a good chunk of my life you will know that I, for the most part, consider myself a decent human being. This doesn't mean that I am not prone to bad choices, horrible choices, or outright stupid ones. It doesn't mean I think that I am better than anyone else. It doesn't mean I think I'm more awful than anyone else either. Basically... for most of my life I feel like I've been judged or looked at as -what- I am. Not -who- I am. Not for my individual choices, but from the preconceived notion of what I should or should not be doing.

To illustrate I think the biggest example was my growing up Mormon. Now, I'm not saying that I completely disbelieve that everything that was taught to me in the church is true. Some of it I don't think I could ever deny as I feel that it is accurate to the very depths of my soul, but at the same time I no longer really go to church and haven't for almost 2 years now. I think my biggest pet peeve about having grown up Mormon and continuing that faith into some of my adulthood is the people that were not a part of the religion. I know that sounds bad but hear me out. I ALWAYS was being told what I could or couldn't do. "Hey Jenny, do you really think that you should be doing that? I mean you're Mormon after all." Yes, thank you I do know what I am supposed to be doing and what I am not. I always felt that no matter where I went, no matter what I did, I was always being tied down to the definitive factor of what my religion would and wouldn't allow. I was always being judged by it. Even if people didn't have the same moral upbringing as me I was a 'Bad Mormon' or a worse person if I decided to do something contradicting to my religion. And you know... I know that all religions have their own set of rules and it's pretty much stupid to say you're a member of an organization and now follow the rules but at the same time I don't think it should dictate who you are. I don't think that anyone should be any less individual even if they do belong to a bigger group. It's what makes us all unique.

Same goes for being a woman. Because I am a woman there are things I should and shouldn't do. Things that I "can't" do. Or because of how I look things that I should be limited to doing or things I should be doing. Because I am a woman I am supposed to be emotional. The weaker sex. I am supposed to make sure that my man (boyfriend, husband, whatever) is taken care of. And you know what? I'm sorry but that theory can go to hell. That's what got me in trouble the first time around. For almost 9 years I completely and totally devoted myself to one person. I gave up friends, family, and everything I knew to be with that person. I tried to always take his side even if it wasn't rational at all. I tried to be there for him and do everything that he wanted me to do. I wasn't there for MYSELF. I rarely gave care or notice about what I wanted or needed until it was too late in the relationship to really do anything about it. We had become so concrete in our ways that even with extreme effort on both our parts nothing was budging. And while how I ended that will forever be one of the worst decisions of my life I have to say that I am a better person for getting past that. I don't know that I would make too many decisions differently given the chance. Because right now they are making who I am today.

One of the other things that 'defines' me is my weight. For people who knew me in high school I was this twiggy little short thing with boobs. After high school and through the course of college and 3 years of marriage I managed to gain about 50 pounds (at my heaviest) since then. Really really not healthy. But because I am chubby that means I NEED to exercise, yes? That means I NEED to diet, right? Because in society's books I am fat and I need to be like "everyone else" and be more healthy. I won't deny that I know I need to loose the weight. Mainly because diabetes runs on my mother's side of the family and being overweight means I will be at greater risk for it. But no one else really knows that. All they know is that I look vastly different than I did in my youth. Because I am fat this means I MUST be lazy. It means I MUST not be trying hard enough to get it off. Because if I really wanted to I could get it all off whenever I wanted to, right? I work 40 hours a week. I raid (yeah yeah I know...) 13 hours a week in EQ2. I work at a daycare so I run around with kids all day. I walk my dog. I cook and clean up the house for the boyfriend and myself. I do a lot. I'm making much healthier food choices than I have in the past and I've even been to a gym and you know what? IT DOESN'T COME OFF. Part of it is a medical condition I have that makes it harder for me to actually loose the weight. Part of it very well may be that I'm not trying hard enough. I know I can do it, and I AM trying. But the point is when does it become an obsession? When does it become so important in my life that I ignore everything else and become fixated on it? I feel more energized that I have in a long time. I feel healthier and I have dropped a chunk of that weight. But still in society's books I am 'fat' or 'overweight'. But you know what? I'm happy, dammit.

And now if you've managed to wade through all my emoness and my rantings you will come to the heart of the matter about why I am feeling so strongly about all these things. Despite not even trying and despite being sure it was pretty impossible to happen to me right away (or I have to admit, at all) I have found something out. At first it was just a shock. It's something that I've wanted for so long but thought that I was going to have to wait a good while later for. It's something that will completely change my life. And it is something that I couldn't be more excited about.

Last month Jake and I found out that we're going to have a baby.

It wasn't planned. I have PCOS (poly-cystic ovary syndrome) and I was also on birth control. But by some act of... I don't even know who... we're pregnant. It makes me so happy but it makes me feel so scared. Being a good parent, bringing this child into the world... I don't ever want it to feel about the things I've described above. I want my child so much to have all doors and options available to it. I want it to know that we will love it unconditionally. I want it to be able to be proud of it's choices in life. I don't want it to be or feel limited to what it can or can't achieve. I want it to know that it can follow a path I may not agree with, but I won't condemn it for those choices either.

I want my child to be loved.

I want my child to be judged for who he or she will be. What they DO in life rather than what they "are" or what they are "supposed to be".

DnD

2009-05-03T19:31:00.000-07:00

So Sunday night was my second night playing DnD. I think finally I am starting to get the hang of what dice I need to roll and when I do. It's mostly just having to remember what stats I need to add to what when I do things but I'm slowly catching on.

Lyani Meadowswhisper the Elven Ranger of Neutral Good allignment that is heralding my entrance into a new level of geekdom. And I have to say it's fun. Nick, Mike, Chris and of course Jake (the boyfriend and DM) have been a really big help pointing things out to me and trying to get me involved in the game. I think the oddest part was getting into the 'roleplaying' aspect again. Last time I was involved with a roleplaying type community (on AB in EQ2) all I remember was all the cybering. lol.

But here I am 24 almost 25 years old and finally going into the final realm of my geekdom. The last thing I have left to do is LARP. And I don't think I'll EVER go that far. ><

Stepping to new territory

2009-03-19T19:49:00.000-07:00

Well I have to say that even though I consider myself a 'gamer girl' that I never got the chance to really play Diablo or Diablo II. I was honestly for the longest time just an MMOer or a RPGer. I suppose we should start with a history lesson.

Back in the good ole days of 1997 all I did for cash was babysit. One summer I babysat demon children and ended up saving everything I had for all summer and putting it into a savings account. Which panned out well cause when school rolled around I had cash to spend on anything I wanted. So what did I do?

Blew it all and got Final Fantasy 7 and an original Playstation.

Back in the day you were hot shit if you had both of these things so I was pretty proud of myself. I played all the way through the game and was pretty happy that I could beat it. That and I finally found a genre of game I was absolutely in love with. So on goes the times and I pre-order FFVIII. I get that, also love it to death. At this time I think I was starting to get into a little game known at Everquest. The boyfriend at the time was into it hardcore (and failed out of college because of it) and I couldn't ever catch him online so I decided to get the game to be able to even talk to him.

Time went on and I got all Final Fantasy games that came out along with both Lunar games. I picked up a few obscure RPGs here and there but there are some really popular ones that I didn't really play either. Mostly because I was getting sucked into the MMO world really quickly. RP there was the thing that I did because I love storytelling. On went life and in 2000 Mom managed to get her hands on a Playstation 2 from her boss on the day it came out. I wasn't allowed to play too many games (my parents watched what I played pretty carefully). At this time I was banned from Everquest because of slipping grades so back to console games I was.

But time went on. I got married and I moved to Maryland where shortly thereafter got into Everquest 2 absolutely hardcore. As a housewife you really don't have anything else to do. So I got into the MMO scene hard and games as well. Kingdom Hearts was my next love despite my adversion to it at first. The husband also had a few games I'd never played so I played into those as well.

But as popular as Blizzard games are... I never really got into any of them. You think I would have atleast given them a go or two. I never ever touched Warcraft 3 until I was married and when the husband was at work. But I liked it pretyt good. It was outside my genre but was also challenging and fun (if you weren't playing with complete assholes).

So now, even though it is waaaaaay old, I embark on my quest to expand my gaming horizons tonight with the boyfriend. So... go go Diablo II!

Well then let's start this thing off!

2009-03-16T21:31:00.000-07:00

So I haven't quite decided if I want this to be my ranting space regarding gaming or if I want this to be my personal little area as well. Hrm. But the question is... do I wanna have to make a whole other blogger area for all my personal stuff?

Jeez, I'm lazy.

I'll probably just make this a free for all into my mind. Haha.