So... I dunno how exactly I wanted to start this post but it's something that I think I just wanted/needed to get off my chest. Just really how I feel about something that I can't just scream at the top of my lungs about. And probably something I will only be posting here and on my livejournal.
For those of you that have known me either for a few years or a good chunk of my life you will know that I, for the most part, consider myself a decent human being. This doesn't mean that I am not prone to bad choices, horrible choices, or outright stupid ones. It doesn't mean I think that I am better than anyone else. It doesn't mean I think I'm more awful than anyone else either. Basically... for most of my life I feel like I've been judged or looked at as -what- I am. Not -who- I am. Not for my individual choices, but from the preconceived notion of what I should or should not be doing.
To illustrate I think the biggest example was my growing up Mormon. Now, I'm not saying that I completely disbelieve that everything that was taught to me in the church is true. Some of it I don't think I could ever deny as I feel that it is accurate to the very depths of my soul, but at the same time I no longer really go to church and haven't for almost 2 years now. I think my biggest pet peeve about having grown up Mormon and continuing that faith into some of my adulthood is the people that were not a part of the religion. I know that sounds bad but hear me out. I ALWAYS was being told what I could or couldn't do. "Hey Jenny, do you really think that you should be doing that? I mean you're Mormon after all." Yes, thank you I do know what I am supposed to be doing and what I am not. I always felt that no matter where I went, no matter what I did, I was always being tied down to the definitive factor of what my religion would and wouldn't allow. I was always being judged by it. Even if people didn't have the same moral upbringing as me I was a 'Bad Mormon' or a worse person if I decided to do something contradicting to my religion. And you know... I know that all religions have their own set of rules and it's pretty much stupid to say you're a member of an organization and now follow the rules but at the same time I don't think it should dictate who you are. I don't think that anyone should be any less individual even if they do belong to a bigger group. It's what makes us all unique.
Same goes for being a woman. Because I am a woman there are things I should and shouldn't do. Things that I "can't" do. Or because of how I look things that I should be limited to doing or things I should be doing. Because I am a woman I am supposed to be emotional. The weaker sex. I am supposed to make sure that my man (boyfriend, husband, whatever) is taken care of. And you know what? I'm sorry but that theory can go to hell. That's what got me in trouble the first time around. For almost 9 years I completely and totally devoted myself to one person. I gave up friends, family, and everything I knew to be with that person. I tried to always take his side even if it wasn't rational at all. I tried to be there for him and do everything that he wanted me to do. I wasn't there for MYSELF. I rarely gave care or notice about what I wanted or needed until it was too late in the relationship to really do anything about it. We had become so concrete in our ways that even with extreme effort on both our parts nothing was budging. And while how I ended that will forever be one of the worst decisions of my life I have to say that I am a better person for getting past that. I don't know that I would make too many decisions differently given the chance. Because right now they are making who I am today.
One of the other things that 'defines' me is my weight. For people who knew me in high school I was this twiggy little short thing with boobs. After high school and through the course of college and 3 years of marriage I managed to gain about 50 pounds (at my heaviest) since then. Really really not healthy. But because I am chubby that means I NEED to exercise, yes? That means I NEED to diet, right? Because in society's books I am fat and I need to be like "everyone else" and be more healthy. I won't deny that I know I need to loose the weight. Mainly because diabetes runs on my mother's side of the family and being overweight means I will be at greater risk for it. But no one else really knows that. All they know is that I look vastly different than I did in my youth. Because I am fat this means I MUST be lazy. It means I MUST not be trying hard enough to get it off. Because if I really wanted to I could get it all off whenever I wanted to, right? I work 40 hours a week. I raid (yeah yeah I know...) 13 hours a week in EQ2. I work at a daycare so I run around with kids all day. I walk my dog. I cook and clean up the house for the boyfriend and myself. I do a lot. I'm making much healthier food choices than I have in the past and I've even been to a gym and you know what? IT DOESN'T COME OFF. Part of it is a medical condition I have that makes it harder for me to actually loose the weight. Part of it very well may be that I'm not trying hard enough. I know I can do it, and I AM trying. But the point is when does it become an obsession? When does it become so important in my life that I ignore everything else and become fixated on it? I feel more energized that I have in a long time. I feel healthier and I have dropped a chunk of that weight. But still in society's books I am 'fat' or 'overweight'. But you know what? I'm happy, dammit.
And now if you've managed to wade through all my emoness and my rantings you will come to the heart of the matter about why I am feeling so strongly about all these things. Despite not even trying and despite being sure it was pretty impossible to happen to me right away (or I have to admit, at all) I have found something out. At first it was just a shock. It's something that I've wanted for so long but thought that I was going to have to wait a good while later for. It's something that will completely change my life. And it is something that I couldn't be more excited about.
Last month Jake and I found out that we're going to have a baby.
It wasn't planned. I have PCOS (poly-cystic ovary syndrome) and I was also on birth control. But by some act of... I don't even know who... we're pregnant. It makes me so happy but it makes me feel so scared. Being a good parent, bringing this child into the world... I don't ever want it to feel about the things I've described above. I want my child so much to have all doors and options available to it. I want it to know that we will love it unconditionally. I want it to be able to be proud of it's choices in life. I don't want it to be or feel limited to what it can or can't achieve. I want it to know that it can follow a path I may not agree with, but I won't condemn it for those choices either.
I want my child to be loved.
I want my child to be judged for who he or she will be. What they DO in life rather than what they "are" or what they are "supposed to be".
After reading this, I have a ton of things to say, but I'll try to keep it short for this space. :D
ReplyDeleteFirst and foremost, I need to link you to a huge handful of studies that have been done in the last five years about obesity vs. health. Because you, and every person who has ever made you feel bad about your weight need to understand that obesity DOES NOT, *DOES NOT* equal death/bad health/TEH EVIL. In fact, many recent studies have shown that people in your weight range (ie, 50 lbs "overweight") are, in fact, LESS likely to die of a heart attack than a skinny person. The adipose actually protects the heart muscle. And don't get me started on PCOS. I'm thankful you've got a doctor who will take it seriously, many won't even do the tests because "If you just stop eating" is apparently sound medical advice.
Ack. Longwinded. Sorry. Also, you can't completely protect your child from stupid people. Just love them, and teach them how to love themselves. *hugs*