Seeing is believing

I'm not gonna lie... all of this pregnancy stuff was extremely surreal to me until I saw that baby move for the first time on that ultrasound on May 18th, 2009. Until I got to hear it's little heartbeat and knew that I had created a life. Even though we weren't quite ready or even wanting to make this baby just yet I can't see living without it at this point either. I am completely and totally in love with a small mass of tissue and organs growing inside of me with it's tiny little soul. As I type out this blog I am 15 weeks pregnant. We get to see the little one again on Jake's birthday (June 2nd) and MIGHT be able to tell if it's a boy or a girl by then.

I have to say ever since I was little when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up it was a typical little kid response always followed by, "...but I want to be a Mommy most!". 2006 was a very hard time in my life when my ex husband and I were trying to conceive. Nothing we were doing was working. I finally started to talk to a friend of mine (who was also trying with her husband at the time) and she said that it sounded like I had what she had. She has PCOS (Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome). I have a lot of darker hair on my body, I have skin tags, I got overweight really fast and it was very hard to lose some if any of it, and I was always having really painful cramps randomly, not just during my period. So I went to my Gyno in 2007 about it but she said they couldn't start a test for it until we had been trying for a year. Anyone that knows me knows that 2007 is when my marriage unraveled itself (and not because we couldn't conceive). In May 2008 I had my gallbladder removed and while they were doing all the testing for that they said that they found a lot of liquid that wasn't supposed to be there in my ovaries. They said it was from cysts popping inside them and that I in fact did have PCOS. It was something that was devastating because like my friend I thought that I was going to have to wait until I was with someone that I wanted to be a parent with and that we would have to go through fertility treatments. And have my heart break a little more every month that we couldn't get pregnant.

Jake, bless his soul, was always joking about his 'super sperm'. But since I was on the pill (more to control the ovulation and cramp pains than actually preventing pregnancy) and I had my condition I just thought that such a thing really wasn't possible. I have never been so glad to have been so wrong. I thank God every day for my little miracle. And I've made a promise to myself and my unborn baby that I will love it no matter what it does. I will love this little baby and will give it everything that I can (within reason, haha) to make sure that it has a happy and comfortable life. While Jake isn't so poetic about what he wants for the baby I'm extremely happy to be with someone I really feel that I can trust with this little life. Someone that I love and that in turn loves me for the way that I am and loves this child already (maybe!) as much as I do. Going through this together is going to be one of the hardest but most rewarding things that we will ever do. And while we don't plan on having another one until after we're married and a little more prepared in life for more we're going to love this one to pieces in the meantime.

And honestly, I don't think life could get much better than this right now.

I want to be judged for just being myself

So... I dunno how exactly I wanted to start this post but it's something that I think I just wanted/needed to get off my chest. Just really how I feel about something that I can't just scream at the top of my lungs about. And probably something I will only be posting here and on my livejournal.

For those of you that have known me either for a few years or a good chunk of my life you will know that I, for the most part, consider myself a decent human being. This doesn't mean that I am not prone to bad choices, horrible choices, or outright stupid ones. It doesn't mean I think that I am better than anyone else. It doesn't mean I think I'm more awful than anyone else either. Basically... for most of my life I feel like I've been judged or looked at as -what- I am. Not -who- I am. Not for my individual choices, but from the preconceived notion of what I should or should not be doing.

To illustrate I think the biggest example was my growing up Mormon. Now, I'm not saying that I completely disbelieve that everything that was taught to me in the church is true. Some of it I don't think I could ever deny as I feel that it is accurate to the very depths of my soul, but at the same time I no longer really go to church and haven't for almost 2 years now. I think my biggest pet peeve about having grown up Mormon and continuing that faith into some of my adulthood is the people that were not a part of the religion. I know that sounds bad but hear me out. I ALWAYS was being told what I could or couldn't do. "Hey Jenny, do you really think that you should be doing that? I mean you're Mormon after all." Yes, thank you I do know what I am supposed to be doing and what I am not. I always felt that no matter where I went, no matter what I did, I was always being tied down to the definitive factor of what my religion would and wouldn't allow. I was always being judged by it. Even if people didn't have the same moral upbringing as me I was a 'Bad Mormon' or a worse person if I decided to do something contradicting to my religion. And you know... I know that all religions have their own set of rules and it's pretty much stupid to say you're a member of an organization and now follow the rules but at the same time I don't think it should dictate who you are. I don't think that anyone should be any less individual even if they do belong to a bigger group. It's what makes us all unique.

Same goes for being a woman. Because I am a woman there are things I should and shouldn't do. Things that I "can't" do. Or because of how I look things that I should be limited to doing or things I should be doing. Because I am a woman I am supposed to be emotional. The weaker sex. I am supposed to make sure that my man (boyfriend, husband, whatever) is taken care of. And you know what? I'm sorry but that theory can go to hell. That's what got me in trouble the first time around. For almost 9 years I completely and totally devoted myself to one person. I gave up friends, family, and everything I knew to be with that person. I tried to always take his side even if it wasn't rational at all. I tried to be there for him and do everything that he wanted me to do. I wasn't there for MYSELF. I rarely gave care or notice about what I wanted or needed until it was too late in the relationship to really do anything about it. We had become so concrete in our ways that even with extreme effort on both our parts nothing was budging. And while how I ended that will forever be one of the worst decisions of my life I have to say that I am a better person for getting past that. I don't know that I would make too many decisions differently given the chance. Because right now they are making who I am today.

One of the other things that 'defines' me is my weight. For people who knew me in high school I was this twiggy little short thing with boobs. After high school and through the course of college and 3 years of marriage I managed to gain about 50 pounds (at my heaviest) since then. Really really not healthy. But because I am chubby that means I NEED to exercise, yes? That means I NEED to diet, right? Because in society's books I am fat and I need to be like "everyone else" and be more healthy. I won't deny that I know I need to loose the weight. Mainly because diabetes runs on my mother's side of the family and being overweight means I will be at greater risk for it. But no one else really knows that. All they know is that I look vastly different than I did in my youth. Because I am fat this means I MUST be lazy. It means I MUST not be trying hard enough to get it off. Because if I really wanted to I could get it all off whenever I wanted to, right? I work 40 hours a week. I raid (yeah yeah I know...) 13 hours a week in EQ2. I work at a daycare so I run around with kids all day. I walk my dog. I cook and clean up the house for the boyfriend and myself. I do a lot. I'm making much healthier food choices than I have in the past and I've even been to a gym and you know what? IT DOESN'T COME OFF. Part of it is a medical condition I have that makes it harder for me to actually loose the weight. Part of it very well may be that I'm not trying hard enough. I know I can do it, and I AM trying. But the point is when does it become an obsession? When does it become so important in my life that I ignore everything else and become fixated on it? I feel more energized that I have in a long time. I feel healthier and I have dropped a chunk of that weight. But still in society's books I am 'fat' or 'overweight'. But you know what? I'm happy, dammit.

And now if you've managed to wade through all my emoness and my rantings you will come to the heart of the matter about why I am feeling so strongly about all these things. Despite not even trying and despite being sure it was pretty impossible to happen to me right away (or I have to admit, at all) I have found something out. At first it was just a shock. It's something that I've wanted for so long but thought that I was going to have to wait a good while later for. It's something that will completely change my life. And it is something that I couldn't be more excited about.

Last month Jake and I found out that we're going to have a baby.

It wasn't planned. I have PCOS (poly-cystic ovary syndrome) and I was also on birth control. But by some act of... I don't even know who... we're pregnant. It makes me so happy but it makes me feel so scared. Being a good parent, bringing this child into the world... I don't ever want it to feel about the things I've described above. I want my child so much to have all doors and options available to it. I want it to know that we will love it unconditionally. I want it to be able to be proud of it's choices in life. I don't want it to be or feel limited to what it can or can't achieve. I want it to know that it can follow a path I may not agree with, but I won't condemn it for those choices either.

I want my child to be loved.

I want my child to be judged for who he or she will be. What they DO in life rather than what they "are" or what they are "supposed to be".