Seeing is believing

I'm not gonna lie... all of this pregnancy stuff was extremely surreal to me until I saw that baby move for the first time on that ultrasound on May 18th, 2009. Until I got to hear it's little heartbeat and knew that I had created a life. Even though we weren't quite ready or even wanting to make this baby just yet I can't see living without it at this point either. I am completely and totally in love with a small mass of tissue and organs growing inside of me with it's tiny little soul. As I type out this blog I am 15 weeks pregnant. We get to see the little one again on Jake's birthday (June 2nd) and MIGHT be able to tell if it's a boy or a girl by then.

I have to say ever since I was little when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up it was a typical little kid response always followed by, "...but I want to be a Mommy most!". 2006 was a very hard time in my life when my ex husband and I were trying to conceive. Nothing we were doing was working. I finally started to talk to a friend of mine (who was also trying with her husband at the time) and she said that it sounded like I had what she had. She has PCOS (Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome). I have a lot of darker hair on my body, I have skin tags, I got overweight really fast and it was very hard to lose some if any of it, and I was always having really painful cramps randomly, not just during my period. So I went to my Gyno in 2007 about it but she said they couldn't start a test for it until we had been trying for a year. Anyone that knows me knows that 2007 is when my marriage unraveled itself (and not because we couldn't conceive). In May 2008 I had my gallbladder removed and while they were doing all the testing for that they said that they found a lot of liquid that wasn't supposed to be there in my ovaries. They said it was from cysts popping inside them and that I in fact did have PCOS. It was something that was devastating because like my friend I thought that I was going to have to wait until I was with someone that I wanted to be a parent with and that we would have to go through fertility treatments. And have my heart break a little more every month that we couldn't get pregnant.

Jake, bless his soul, was always joking about his 'super sperm'. But since I was on the pill (more to control the ovulation and cramp pains than actually preventing pregnancy) and I had my condition I just thought that such a thing really wasn't possible. I have never been so glad to have been so wrong. I thank God every day for my little miracle. And I've made a promise to myself and my unborn baby that I will love it no matter what it does. I will love this little baby and will give it everything that I can (within reason, haha) to make sure that it has a happy and comfortable life. While Jake isn't so poetic about what he wants for the baby I'm extremely happy to be with someone I really feel that I can trust with this little life. Someone that I love and that in turn loves me for the way that I am and loves this child already (maybe!) as much as I do. Going through this together is going to be one of the hardest but most rewarding things that we will ever do. And while we don't plan on having another one until after we're married and a little more prepared in life for more we're going to love this one to pieces in the meantime.

And honestly, I don't think life could get much better than this right now.