Tuesday, September 20, 2011

My "real"

One of the funniest gals that I know, Brandi, was talking about "being real" on her blog. And that is something that really hit me deeply. There are many people that I know in real life and over the web that do not really know the "real" me. There are very very very few who really truly do.

This was the hardest post that I've ever had to write, but I think that it is also the most therapeutic thing that I have done for myself in a long time.



My real...

I thought I fell in love at age 14 and stayed with that guy for the next 9 years because I was convinced that he was "The One". I completely messed up my relationship with my parents and with my friends and other family for years because I wanted to be with him. We eloped when I was 20 and got sealed in the temple 2 years later. People at church knew he was kind of odd, but what they didn't know was that at home he was constantly trying to find ways to kill himself. He lit himself on fire, he tried to induce hypothermia. When he finally got help he tried to OD on his pills while drinking bleach. I was getting horribly depressed but tried to hide it because we had a happy eternal marriage, right?

In 2007 I had been married for 3 years and gained about 50 lbs. I was a wreck though I tried to hide it for a long time. I spent a lot of time on the computer at home trying to find something that made me happy. I blew off a lot of friends, or potential ones that I could have made, because I was afraid of what they would think of me and my problems. During the course of my marriage I was extremely emotionally and verbally abused. It reached a point that there was even some spousal rape involved.

I was too ashamed to tell anyone until 2 years later.

I felt completely unwanted by my husband who would have been content to come home, go on the computer for 5 hours, and then go to bed. The only time he ever acknowledged me was when he wanted sex, food, or the rare occasion that we were out in public.

In the middle of 2007 I fell in love with my best friend.

He was not my husband.

I told my husband that I wanted a divorce and he refused. We went to couple's counseling because there was obviously something wrong with me and it needed fixing. After only a dozen sessions with no effort on his end the counselor told me that the next time he told me to leave (To go see my best friend) that I should. And I did. And things got physical between us. My husband and I split in November 2007 and I spent the next almost 3 years with divorce proceedings. We didn't even want anything from each other at that point, but it was still hard for me.

He later told me that he never believed in the LDS church and he did it all for me and it was all a lie. I felt like the last 10 years of my life were wasted and useless. I felt like an idiot and I hated myself more than I ever had in my life. I'd lie if I'd said that I never thought about ending it. It started in the name of love and ended with me feeling unwanted and rejected.

I moved back home with my parents. They couldn't understand why I did not want to go to church anymore.

I nearly staved myself after I moved back home. There would be days all I ate was one single packet of string cheese. I hated that I let myself get so fat and while there was a guy that now wanted me, I still felt completely disgusting.

I hated that I wasn't pretty like all the other LDS girls I'd grown up with.

I hate that I can justify to myself cheating on my husband. Things like, "It was already over, you told him you wanted out, it was only a piece of paper at that point, there was no love or commitment on his end (long story)" But I was even more afraid that people would hate me if they found out why I left. Why we were getting divorced.

I'm still not out of the woods with my self loathing. Even over leaving my ex; even though I now realize that he was never going to love me back the way I loved him. I just hate myself for feeling like I failed in a marriage that was doomed from the start. I was, and am, scared that I would lose the friendships (however casual they may be) because of how they saw me in those 3 years, versus what was actually happening.

9 comments:

  1. Giant hugs from a random person on the internet.

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  2. Thank you, Jen.
    I wish I'd known. I don't know what I could have done, but I wish I'd known then so I could have tried to do SOMETHING.

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  3. Girl, you're amazing. I just wish I would have known. Really, but we didn't really know each other, so it's hard to know who's safe and who isn't [to talk to]. You did what you had to do with something less then ideal. You made the right choice for you. And that's what matters. *HUGS*

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  4. Thanks, guys. I can't deny that there were good times too, cause there were.

    I'm a much better me now and I just add all that up to the follies of my youth. It just took me a while longer to grow up than other people. :p

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  5. Love you, Jen. It's so hard to think that I might've been able to help. I had no idea any of that was going on. You deserve happiness.

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  6. I'm sorry that you went through that all alone. I never got to really know you at church, just a smile and a 'hi' passing in the halls. I'm glad things are working out for you now.

    Are you back in your house yet? You know, Dexter starts in a couple of weeks.

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  7. Thank you for sharing. I have so much empathy for you. I too have let a man determine my self worth. I want to share my REAL but somehow I have to find the strength.

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  8. To my Ft Meade ladies,

    Don't worry about the past. No one knew cause I didn't want them to know. Just know the love and support that you gave me (despite the fact that you didn't know what was happening with me) made the difference in my life all the more because of the love and kindness I was shown. I love ya all, but I as afraid of pity too. But much love still, otherwise I wouldn't have friended you all on FB! :p

    And yes, Tex. We're back in the house. Catching up on True Blood and getting ready for Dexter!!!

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  9. Jen, you are one of the strongest women I have ever met. What you did takes courage as a lot of women would have just stayed in an abusive relationship and put up with it. You are an amazing friend, mom, and girlfriend, don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

    Love you!!!

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